Good marriages are really good, so I spend a lot of time thinking about and working on making marriages better. To that end, I have come up with a two-step process to improving one's marriage.
Step 1
Study, think about, and practice your role as a husband or wife. My clients and friends have gotten a lot of mileage out of focusing and working on their own spousal role. They've also been derailed about thinking too much about their spouse's role, and specifically about how their spouse is not fulfilling their role. Since there's only so much time in the day, focus on your own role.
Step 2
Work to understand the experience of your spouse, and operate in your spousal role (see Step 1) to improve their situation. The primary limitation to this seems to be a moral one. It can feel hard to invest in someone who you believe is not properly investing in you. Step 2 requires some faith, but people who work on Step 2 often report an improvement in their marriage that is independent of changes their spouse makes.
There are, of course, pros and cons to this approach. Pros are that the process can commence without both people being on board (which is the #1 issue I see in marriage counseling). I have also seen this process improve marriages with only one person working. The primary benefit is always to the spouse doing the work, even if the non-working spouse benefits.
Cons my be obvious. Since most people believe they are owed something from their spouse, overcoming the contractural understanding of marriages (we both work equally on the marriage, or not at all) can be an effort of will. By this I mean that most people decide how much to work based on how much they think their spouse is working. While I agree that both spouses should do the work of the marriage (otherwise, why would you agree to be married?), it is nearly impossible to effectively measure the efforts of your spouse. This is not to say that all spouses apply effort. Instead, it's hard to be satisfied when we measure the efforts of our spouse because we can never really know another person's intentions and thus can never apply a fair standard to their intentions.
Most married people reading this will find exceptions with my two steps, and I think that's normal. Marriage is hard and complicated and people are generally selfish and self-centered by default (myself included). Even though I wrote these steps, I still try to find exceptions to them. Also, I have not addressed more serious marriages issues such as infidelity and abuse. So, please take these steps for what they are and be open to seeking skilled counsel if you feel stuck or hopeless.
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